Marlana is finally moving out.Good Riddance.
The sad part is she doesn't realize what a spoiled brat she is.She's used people all her life and now that she's out in the real world it'll catch up with her.I hope it does..with vengence.I'm just glad she'll be out of my life and I hope it stays that way.Autumn and Courtney will still be around and they've been better big sisters in a few years than Marlana was her whole life.
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| Date: | 2002-06-09 15:36 |
| Subject: | What a guy... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  chipper | | Music: | DJ Mystik:Dark of Night |
I've been so pissy lately...mainly because I wasn't taking my meds.The anti depressants really help when you give them a chance I guess and needless to say I'm feeling a lot better.I especially love going outside in this great weather and working on some stories and other projects.I'm actually doing better and for once things are looking up for me.
Then there's my old man.He's really not so bad I guess though still rather frustrating.We went out shopping today.It was pretty boring going to mostly Lowe's and other home stores but I liked spending time with my parents and I actually am getting more comfortable in crowds.He always complains right in front of me about everyone in the family ..except for me and today I asked him what he thought of me...
He didn't say a thing and strangely that made me gain back some respect for him.I'm really starting to understand him.I learned you just have to take what you can get from people though....sometimes..because that's just how it is. Embrace the good and the bad.
I'm also really happy because I get to keep my psychaitrist.I had to cut my visits to once a month but I'm still happy about it.I just hope my parents can afford it.it's just one of those times when life isn't so sucky and I'm loving it.
Tomorrow I get to go and visit the Seton shrine in Emmotsberg (?).I hate religion but Mother Seton is still my favorite saint.I just really feel a bond to her and I guess I always will.
That's about all for now..peace all!
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| Date: | 2002-06-06 09:59 |
| Subject: | Damn Plumbing.... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  rejected | | Music: | Jennifer:If you were here |
You know it's bad enough I got zip hours of sleep because my mom decided Marlana shouldn't have to get up early and watch my little niece.As usual my brother was late so here I am wide awake and pissed off.The toilet clogged in my bathroom and my dad bitched at me about how I never help around the house.I guess I should just stop doing things when I'm asked to since I'm so fucking irresponsible.I just get so sick of his gripes.He has a habit of spreading his problems around.
I realize now I'll just grow up hating my own father and never having a relationship with him but hey to Hell with it.Just one more funeral where I don't give a damn another relative is worm bait.The family unit is a major shitload anyways.I just get sick of putting up with this.I wish the old geezer would just suck it up and keep to himself or at least try to be a good father.I'm not such a horrible person that I don't deserve a good father and I mean more than paying bills and putting food on the table.I can't even talk to anyone in this hellhole of a house.
I think I'm going to go stab the little flowers in my wallpaper for a while...it always makes me feel better.At least something does.The flowers are more sympathetic then my father but I know things will just be pure shit again in a little under an hour.
At least I'm lucky in the fact he doesn't abuse or disown me...he just completely ignores me as a human being and disrespects me like everyone else.It's so fucking annoying!!! I can't even talk to anyone in this house and I'm about to lose it.
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take the antisocial test.
and go to mewing.net. because laura's feeling social.
As if to state the obvious.....
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I had those little cats as my mood icons and then i thought like..everyone has the damn blue cats so pick something else.The penguins remind of PenPen so they look soo cute with Aya and then I was like why go to the trouble of making an icon and I went into my anime folder instead so I'll just crop some pics.Oh so sugar highhhhhhhhh...... o_0
I'll share some poems or something maybe..yea..that'll do.I'm starting to like writing in this thing but it gives me too much chance to ramble.Got chores...must go now...I so need spellcheck....
Peace
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| Date: | 2002-06-05 19:37 |
| Subject: | So damn cold..... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  cold | | Music: | Hikaru Utada:Paint it Black |
Yay! Problem solved...Now on to the color scheme.Our house is so fuggin cold though so Ima gonna get a sweater.Please excuse my french....
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| Date: | 2002-06-05 19:30 |
| Subject: | What the Fuck??? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  confused | | Music: | Bambee: Bumble Bee |
Erm...it messed up that first entry real bad....ne?
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Oi..I had to go through some shit about verifying my e-mail address..so annoying!!!!Anyways now for some schtuff about moi...it is my journal after all.
It's like..if you don't like it get out or welcome to the twisted world of my mind and my hella crazy life.
Well I've had this journal for months and months now but you know today I said "Hell with it! I'm putting in an entry.." I'm really not one to write in a journal and believe me the past year I would of had nothing happy to write.So I guess a bit about me.I'm a 16 year old amateur writer and artist.I like reading,anime,computers...and of course sleeping.I used to sing....my voice isn't sour yet but if my mother knows that she'll bug me about the church choir again.I'm catholic....by force.My mother makes me go but I hate it.I'm think at 18 I'll break out the gin and leave the church with tears of joy.
I have a huge conflict with religion and always will.I can't stand bright lights or crowds for one and I don't really believe in god to the point I'd worship him.Religion to me is just a glorified escape from real life so people can justify death and bad luck.
As you may notice I'm not the proverbial ray of sunshine.I'm very much of a cynic and generally quiet and solitary.Currently I'm seeing counselors and a professional shrink and why you may ask.Let me tell you something..depression is hell.I have anxiety disorder and major depression.It sucks greatly because it's like even with meds I feel like picking up a butcher knife somedays.My crabby brat of an older sister doesn't help then there's my "Life is peachy and god will save all" mother and my "I hate the world and you" father.My brother is ok but I'm not really that close with him.Most days I could really do without people.It's an unneccesary burden.I never really had many good friends..ever and I never really have a great need for companionship.
It's sad but my best friend is my online buddy Smash who lives in Texas.He's a listening type and we both like writing and RP.We definitely click! it's like ..we could kick major ass in this podunk town if we got to hang out but I know we never will.He has depression too but his family is a bunch of assholes from the sound of it.
You know when you think "What if your online buddies are lying?" but I don't even worry about that with him cause we've talked for like almost two years now.
Anyways ..depression is the pits.It all crashed on me this year.Hint...high school doesn't promote mental health...god damn preppies.They need to get major attitude checks.Just because I wasn't in a clique I was pretty much treated as a nobody.I'm not ugly or fat or even your stereotypical ghetto trash that blacks are still pinned as but people don't care about that anymore.Substance is not an issue.I didn't even get the courage to approach a counselor till near the end of the year and half of them treated me like I had half a brain.It scared them i was so aware of what was going on.I did most of the first moves for my treatment mind you.
Meanwhile all my mother can do is tell me I'm not "opening up" and when I do she plays her happy game where only the good stuff hits her ears.Hello...Celexa is not short for miracle medicine but she can't face the fact I'm not perfect and outgoing.She always bitches about me not smiling.I do..when I have a good reason.
And recently the problem is that I'm stubborn. Your point? I have a slight rebel streak in me but hey...deal with it.That won't go anywhere because its just me.Telling me I'm stubborn makes it worse.I just get sick of people trying to make me out to be something I'm not.
I think the only thing holding me together is Smash and my writing though recently my muses are on a coma.Writing is really my only passion in life.I started because I had just quit RP.My favorite chat server had shut down.Any LU veterans out there? I thought not.Techk was my only buddy from LU though.He's so funny and fun to talk to.He's like second coolest after Smash.I'm doing co-writing projects with both of them right now too so I so love that!Mostly I do poetry...dark poetry.It's how I "let it out" so to speak.I'm hoping to get around to short stories and original saga this summer though.I'm also still....an otaku so yea...I love writing fics..mostly Voltron.The series sucked but Lotor was such a hottie.It takes a real man to wear a skirt as someone on the PL & CK yahoo group said.I'm in tons of yahoo groups and it's lots of fun.The discussions are usually pretty off the wall but I love it.maybe later I can get some links up.I also really like webcomics...more links to share but later...maybe to some of my poetry and stuff as well.I'm working on a site too.I like building webpages.It used to be like 24/7 at the computer till this medicine made me want to live life.I miss my internet safety blanket damnit!!!
I stay on a few hours a day now usually to check mail and chat for a bit.Speaking of the online mangas though...I'm working on one.My drawing improved a bit but it is just for fun.I'm a writer not an artist.In fact I want to major in journalism ...I'm an 11th grader next year.So anyways it's like I'm ready to kick back and get back to my passion.The people I show my work to really say I have a writing knack so I'm going with it but it's like no writing courses are out.What the hell?? I mean how hard is it to find a poetry course....
I need HTML and Java course too.I'm such a computer wiz ..er nerd I guess but I love technology.
I guess I'm running out of shit to say.I love J-pop too...doesn't everyone? Megumi-chan is my favorite and maaya sakamoto....and Hikaru Utada..and Masami Okui.I love J-pop!
I need to make me an icon too.Then I can share my mediocre talent with you all.
I guess to end the rambling...this is me.Tune in next time for another look in Hell's window.I'll try to write in here more often...maybe...
~Meina~
PS : My real name is Melissa but I hate it....
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